The Causeway, Sunday Late Afternoon

[firstofitskind]

Liam had been holding himself together by, basically, the skin of his teeth ever since they'd left the Sour Nest. It was unfamiliar territory, he needed to be on guard, he could not afford to let himself fall apart.

Then the portal dropped them back off on the island, and everything just hit him like a metaphorical freight train.

He'd been trying so hard to keep the guard's- Tomas, he had a name- memories separate from his own but they were there, they were loud, and it wasn't just him, it was Robert, it was all the bodies Ha'gel had worn through his years of studying various cultures.

There were so many. So many voices, thoughts, memories, all coming through at once. He couldn't do this. He didn't want this.

He needed it to stop.

His face went slack, eyes blank as he retreated inside himself, away from the chaos and the noise of it all. He just wanted it to be quiet again, that wasn't too much to ask, was it?

[ooc: for anyone who might have reason to be around! pings will be slowish while i am at work.]

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[firstofitskind]

“Mmm,” Liam hummed. A bath did sound like a good idea, honestly. Hadn’t been a lot of time for that sort of thing on the road in Beau and Fjord’s world.

Except-

She would stay with him, right?

He felt stupid and childish even as the thought crossed his mind, but she’d only just barely managed to pull him back to himself, what if she let go and he was lost again?

[arboreal_priestess]

"I'll wash your haaaaair," Verity singsonged.

[firstofitskind]

“S’nice,” he murmured as they began the walk home, because that did sound pretty great.

[arboreal_priestess]

Of course it did. She knew what motivated him.

"You should talk," Verity said quietly as they made their way back. "Keeping it all inside isn't going to help."

[firstofitskind]

“I-“ Liam started to say, and then broke off, frustrated, the words freezing in his throat.

[arboreal_priestess]

"Talk around it if you have to," Verity murmured. "Start with little things. Build up steam."

[firstofitskind]

A short, sharp shake of his head. The last few days had been full of so much pain and death and sadness, he just wanted to push it all away, the same way he’d pushed aside those other memories.

[arboreal_priestess]

"You can't ignore this," Verity said, translating his gestures with surprising ease. Huh. Maybe this was why they were married. "What happens when you ignore stuff and try to pretend it didn't happen?"

[firstofitskind]

It festered until it ended up becoming something he couldn’t ignore. He knew that. Still, he shot her a pleading look all the same. Could they at least wait until they were home?

[arboreal_priestess]

"That's why I said to start with something else," Verity told him. "The longer you stay locked down, the harder it will be to get started again. I don't care if you just start listing off different kinds of flowers you saw there, but I really need you to start talking."

[firstofitskind]

It was already hard. Or at least, not talking was easier. Everything he wanted to say stuck in his throat in a way he could practically feel.

Silence stretched on for another minute, then two, until finally he managed to force the words out:

“I hurt people.”

[arboreal_priestess]

"I know," Verity said, voice quiet. She squeezed his hand with hers.

No condemnation here. No immediate forgiveness, either, since that was cheap. But no condemnation.

[firstofitskind]

"I remember feeling? Proud? Of that."

[arboreal_priestess]

"Why?" Verity asked softly.

[firstofitskind]

"It was my job," he told her.

[arboreal_priestess]

"Why?" Verity asked again. "When did that become your job?"

Think, Liam. Think.

[firstofitskind]

“A couple years ago,” Liam told her. “The Iron Shepherds came through town, they were looking for people who wanted to make some extra coin...”

Something about that made him stop, frowning.

“That’s not. That isn’t right?” he said, hesitantly. That didn’t sound right. He had started a new job a couple years ago, but that had been in Fandom.

[arboreal_priestess]

"No," Verity said. "That's not right. That's not you. Push those thoughts away, separate them out from what's you and what isn't."

[firstofitskind]

“It’s hard,” Liam admitted. “Hard to tell where they end and I begin.”

[arboreal_priestess]

"That's why I keep asking you questions," Verity said. "So that we can figure it out. And...you can always ask me, too? I know who you are, Liam. I know what's you and what isn't."

Like when he said he'd enjoyed hurting people. That wasn't him.

[firstofitskind]

“I should know,” Liam muttered. “I shouldn’t need someone to tell me who I am.”

And yet.

[arboreal_priestess]

"In fairness, you only need help when you've pulled people into your brain," Verity pointed out. "That's not a normal thing."

She elbowed him. "What have we said about the concept of 'shouldn't'?"

[firstofitskind]

“That I shouldn’t pull people into my brain?”

Oh look, a terrible joke! That was definitely 100% Liam.

[arboreal_priestess]

"There's my husband," Verity murmured. "Also...no. But also also yes."

Because not what she'd meant - which he very well knew - but also yes.

[firstofitskind]

“I’m sorry,” he said sheepishly. Even though they’d also had a conversation about apologizing.